S3/E14 of New Girl is GOLD.
I love laughing by myself when I’m sad. Win.
In the same sense though, I’m kind of a terribly fucked up individual - emotionally and mentally. There was a point where I was never infatuated with anyone. It just stopped happening… I would go into relationships with people, whether they be short flings or full on “commitments,” and I would just see what would happen, usually just because I was lonely or something. There was no initial spark with the people - unless it was purely physical and then maybe something would stem, but it never did. Then I started seeing what I could get out of the relationship after I was bored. Very selfish of me, I will admit. Whether it be for the sex or other advantages… but nothing emotional ever. Just my need to fill a lonely void. Actually, it sometimes evolved into a possessive thing, if I cared at all in the end.
I try not to be that way. I really do TRY to not be so terrible, but it always ends up that I’m just a shitty person. I want to believe that there is a chance of love for me… I really do… but it just never really feels right. That’s why I feel like I will always be alone… there will never be someone who just intrigues me so much that I fall in love with them with every fiber of my being. I wouldn’t deserve it even if it did happen.
I hate the feeling of infatuation… because you know it’s not anything more than that at the moment, and you know it’s ridiculous for thinking about someone all the time and wanting to talk to them a lot, but there’s nothing you can do to make it go away…
I wish that for once the person who I’m infatuated with would be thinking about me all the time as well, so then I knew I wasn’t alone in this. But that is never the case… unfortunately.
I just made an appointment, for Friday afternoon, to see a consultant about going to cosmetology school.
I have had a large unopened bottle of wine in my fridge for over a week now… what is wrong with me? D: